Soon-to-be ex-spouses communicating is crucial. It can help them resolve issues amicably, including financial and child custody matters, which can lead to a faster process and mutually beneficial outcomes.
But what if you are going through a high-conflict divorce? How can you communicate effectively when your divorce involves persistent, intense disputes?
Consider the BIFF method
Invented by Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. in 2007, the BIFF method (Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm) has proven successful for many people going through high-conflict divorce. With this method, you need to:
- Keep messages brief. Short messages, preferably two to five sentences or one paragraph, can help minimize back-and-forth.
- Ensure your messages are informative. Stick to the facts and only share necessary information about assets, your child, if you have one, custody scheduling and so on.
- Maintain a friendly tone. Your messages should have a polite and professional tone. For example, “Thank you for sharing the list” or “Thank you for reaching out regarding the schedule change.”
- Be firm. While it’s crucial to be friendly, you need to be firm. For example, “Thank you for reaching out regarding the schedule change, but unfortunately, I’m unavailable this weekend, and so we will be sticking to the court-ordered schedule. I’m unable to discuss this further.”
The BIFF method can work well because it reduces conflict, prevents baiting and focuses on facts.
Set boundaries
It’s important to set clear boundaries when going through a high-conflict divorce. Let your spouse know when they can contact you, the topics you can discuss and the consequences of ignoring a boundary.
It can be difficult to communicate when going through a divorce that involves strong emotions, but it’s possible. The BIFF method can help you foster a cooperative environment. You should also consider legal guidance to protect your interests.